View through my window

December 17, 2007


Thought I'd perhaps share some with you, since I was going on about it. These are from the summer hollibobs. They're in pencil so they haven't come out all that well on the scanner, but still.

I did these on the beach and in the cafe, quickly, before the subjects moved too much. I prefer doing them this way; not getting too involved with each one, just try and capture the moment and the movement and then on to the next one.

If wasn't who I have become ...

... I'd live by myself in a city-centre flat
... I'd still ride a motorbike
... I'd get up at noon
... I'd go to bed at 4 am
... I'd be very untidy
... I'd need to grow up
... I'd have every playstation and xbox going
... I'd be a borderline alcoholic
... I'd play poker every day
... I'd earn money only when I needed some
... I'd not have any proper close friends

... I'd be emotionally shallow
... I'd be desperate for a partner but wouldn't admit it
... I'd be the oldest bloke in the club on Friday nights
... I'd dream about my own kids to cuddle and love me

... I'd be even mentaller (? spelling) than I am now

So: it's not all bad, life, is it?

You've only got four thousand weeks. Four thousand weeks is less than eighty years. I've had half mine already.

Two thousand weeks doesn't sound very long, does it?

Best get on with it. Especially if you don't believe in an afterlife, as I don't.

So I will:

... push to get properly fit
... push the limits when I am skiing, and not just dwell in the intermediate
... remember to thank my wife every day for saving me from myself
... not shout at the kids for stuff that doesn't matter
... stop talking about it and learn to kitesurf next summer
... be less bah-humbug about Christmas
... play the piano more
... take a sketchbook out with me more often, and draw a wider variety of subjects
... use all the methods I have been taught to manage my depression
... go to bed at a sensible time and stop sleeping in the day.


I can manage that.

Wish me luck.

Oh, and sorry for doing the resolutions thing before we've even got to Christmas.

December 13, 2007

Untitled no 1



Still alive.

Dunno if anyone wanted to know that, but still, you do now.

Spent a bit of time rocking back and forward in the dark, and a bit of time asleep in the day.

Spent some time sitting looking out at the world like I am hiding in a room behind my face. Alcohol does this to me. I have largely given up drinking because of this: my eyes are one-way mirror set in a plaster face mask: from the outside, blank, relective. From the inside, I can be doing what I want and no-one can know. Sometimes I am crying, sometimes I am laughing at you. Sometimes, I am shouting as loud as I can, but only I can hear.

Spent quite a lot of time awake in the night.

Channel 201 is quite good. It shows Jackass repeats which is quite good if you're up at daft o'clock. You can watch people hurting themselves and not have to think about anything else for a bit.

I'm waiting to see the psychiatrist.

That isn't easy to write, you know. There is a social stigma to that. But I've done the GP thing, and the drugs don't work as well as (a) they used to; and (b) they should. Maybe the consultant has some extra, non-GP knowledge which can help.

So, how can I still be optimistic during all this. I am, though. I still think that everything will get better, I know it will, one day. I went to a managing depression support group thing at the hospital. That was a laugh. We had to do a questionnaire - have you felt unable to get out of bed, have you felt low on a scale of one to five in the last week, two weeks, month?

Ha, ha, hahahahahahahahaha, haaaaaaah.

Uh, yes?

I won. I was the most mad. Yay, me. However, I didn't tick the 'suicidal' or 'self-harm' boxes and never have done. There's that optimism again, see?

Quick joke.
"How many Freudian psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?"
"Two. One to change the lightbulb, and the other to hold the penis stepladder."

That cheered me up.

Sooooo, all the above being said, I'm actually ok. I know that sounds unlikely, but I am really.

I know I have a physical condition which should be treatable, and if not, I can manage.

You have to make the best of what you've got. I am colour blind, deaf in one ear, chronically depressive. I do not, as we speak, have cancer, or muscular dystrophy or whatever else. So, ok.

Go out and do your thing, make the most of every day. I'm trying, I really am.

Irreverant gossipy posts to follow.