View through my window

December 13, 2007

Untitled no 1



Still alive.

Dunno if anyone wanted to know that, but still, you do now.

Spent a bit of time rocking back and forward in the dark, and a bit of time asleep in the day.

Spent some time sitting looking out at the world like I am hiding in a room behind my face. Alcohol does this to me. I have largely given up drinking because of this: my eyes are one-way mirror set in a plaster face mask: from the outside, blank, relective. From the inside, I can be doing what I want and no-one can know. Sometimes I am crying, sometimes I am laughing at you. Sometimes, I am shouting as loud as I can, but only I can hear.

Spent quite a lot of time awake in the night.

Channel 201 is quite good. It shows Jackass repeats which is quite good if you're up at daft o'clock. You can watch people hurting themselves and not have to think about anything else for a bit.

I'm waiting to see the psychiatrist.

That isn't easy to write, you know. There is a social stigma to that. But I've done the GP thing, and the drugs don't work as well as (a) they used to; and (b) they should. Maybe the consultant has some extra, non-GP knowledge which can help.

So, how can I still be optimistic during all this. I am, though. I still think that everything will get better, I know it will, one day. I went to a managing depression support group thing at the hospital. That was a laugh. We had to do a questionnaire - have you felt unable to get out of bed, have you felt low on a scale of one to five in the last week, two weeks, month?

Ha, ha, hahahahahahahahaha, haaaaaaah.

Uh, yes?

I won. I was the most mad. Yay, me. However, I didn't tick the 'suicidal' or 'self-harm' boxes and never have done. There's that optimism again, see?

Quick joke.
"How many Freudian psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?"
"Two. One to change the lightbulb, and the other to hold the penis stepladder."

That cheered me up.

Sooooo, all the above being said, I'm actually ok. I know that sounds unlikely, but I am really.

I know I have a physical condition which should be treatable, and if not, I can manage.

You have to make the best of what you've got. I am colour blind, deaf in one ear, chronically depressive. I do not, as we speak, have cancer, or muscular dystrophy or whatever else. So, ok.

Go out and do your thing, make the most of every day. I'm trying, I really am.

Irreverant gossipy posts to follow.


  • look, crisis, I know you hate me, but I've just had a huge downer on the depressive front

    ask you GP if they can prescribe Thyroxin to augment your anti-depressant meds

    I only got it because the ex (he left me last summer)(love and look after your wife!)(he does, but doesn't want to live with a chronic depressive any longer) has private health care and once they prescribe you stuff you can get it on the NHS

    unfair I know

    but worth asking about

    By Blogger I, still, like the views, at 5:51 pm  

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