The furniture shop

"Ok, Lee, we've finally made a decision. We'll have this corner unit sofa in this colour, and that chair and footstool in 'earth'".

"Brilliant, brilliant. I'll just get my calculator ..... what we can offer you now is a full home service for cleaning. Obviously, if you spill something on the leather you hope it will wipe off, but if it doesn't then we can come out and clean it or repair it for you, as many times as you like, for five years. All in, with the cleaning this comes to [a number considerably more than we were expecting]."

"How much is the cleaning service, sorry?"

"The total bill would be [the number I just told you]"

"Yes, Lee, but how much of that is the cleaning contract?"

"It's [a large but not extortionate amount of money]".

"It's a good service, and we don't want our furniture ruined by a stain ... mmm ... I can't quite get this to add up. How much is the cleaning, altogether, again?"

"It's [a large but not extortionate amount of money] for a unit like this".

"Yuh, you said that. That doesn't add up, though. So the chair must be extra?"

"The total for everything is [the big number again]".

*grits teeth* "Lee, straight answer please, how much is the cleaning contract for the chair, alone?

Pause.

"[A chunky sort of number]"

"And how much is the footstool, alone?"

Pause. Lee looks like he's about to give me the all-in number again, but catches the look in my eye just in time. Sighs.

"[An almost equally chunky sort of number]"

"Thank you. I'm tempted by the contract on the corner unit, but I think we can leave the chair and footstool. I don't mind so much if they get stained, because ..."

"Sorry. If you have the one you have to have the other, as we're already coming out to you, you see ..."

"Not really, no ..."

"We can only do one cleaning contract for one property, so it's all or nothing, really, you see, and everyone usually buys it, I think you'd be taking a big risk not to. The only thing you're not covered for is turmeric."

"I don't really see why I can't just have the corner unit covered by the contract, if I stain the chair I just won't call you ... hang on, did you just say turmeric?"

"Yes, turmeric, we can't get that out so you wouldn't be covered for that."

"Yes, but ..."

"So be careful with the curry, ha ha ha."

"Yes, but I still don't see ..."

"Everyone sits on their leather sofas and eats curry. Coffee, now, we can get that out, and if we can't we'll come and replace the entire panel."

"That's good, I probably will spill coffee at some point ..."

"That would be no problem, red wine too, can do that. The panels are saddle stitched: they stitch them once and then stitch them twice more onto a ribbon behind, it makes them really strong ..."

"But why can't you replace the panel for turmeric ...?"

" ... yes, as I was saying, if they do have to replace the whole panel it's a long job, would cost the earth otherwise, but we'll do it as often as you like for five years ..."

"... but ..."

"... so, just plump the cushions up every day so they don't sag and like I say wipe the whole piece of furniture over with a damp cloth, no cleaning fluid or anything, once a week ..."

My head is starting to hurt. Lee spots his opportunity and like a good salesman, leaps in.

"Put it this way, every person I've sold to this month has taken it up ... we have three people based at this store who do nothing else but go out and do repairs ... what they can do is replace the whole leather panel ... normally that would be three hours work plus materials, say three hundred quid ... the leather's got open pores ... stuff can soak into underlayer ... scrubbing removes surface colour ... blah ... green stuff we give you ... blah ... gets most things out, but if it doesn't ... fibre stuffing ... blah ... leaves a white ring, you see ... just wipe it over weekly ... blah ... use our green stuff for conditioning every six months ... blah ... lovely piece of furniture ruined but needn't be ..."

Glassy eyed, head spinning, I hand over my credit card.