View through my window

November 09, 2006

Ok, life change time

I have a post saved as draft, written recently, which says, in summary, I'm not blogging any more because I can't be bothered.

What this actually means is that I think I can't be bothered to do anything much. Because I am a profoundly lazy person.

This is profoundly mistaken.

I absolutely can be bothered. Inside, I'm trying with all my might - the usual swan analogy comes to mind. My little mental legs are paddling away like a paddling fast thing, but on the surface, serenity. No apparent effort. No apparent emotion. All is concealed, all is hidden. All is pretend.

So, finally, and I genuinely don't know why this has taken so long, I have recognised that this is not normal (though of course it is to me, I've been like this literally all my life that I can remember) and been to see the very nice doctor who I know a bit socially in the village, and told him everything. Honestly. About how I just want to stay in bed. And how I lie sometimes to my clients about how I'm going to be late because I've been so busy when what I've been really doing is watching telly. About the guilt and the anxiety. And so on. I filled a sheet of A4 with bullet points of problems, and made sure I mentioned them all.

And he said to me some words which I guess are going to go down as a turning point. He said "You have chronic, moderate and sometimes severe clinical depression. It sounds as if you have had it more or less constantly since you were a child. And I can make you better".

I'm finally, at forty years old, being assessed properly, and I will be taking some medication to do the serotonin inhibitor uptake suppression* thing, and once we have got the drug choice and dosage right he promises I will, finally, feel ok. I may end up talking to someone professional as well, and that will help me feel ok too.

So, with all this to look forward to, I am now over the fact that I am such a minor blogger that I wasn't invited to andre's party. Lots of other famous bloggers have been going on about it, and the comments pages are full of what a nice time they had. All written in witty, succinct style, obv. But now that I can see the light ahead, I can realise that my sulk about this the other day - yes, I really did - is utterly, utterly, ridiculous, and apologise to all concerned for even thinking about putting snotty comment on your pages. Sorry. And perhaps, when I'm better, I will have finally the energy and creativity to make this blog more famous. And I will invite you all to my party. And genuinely expect you to come.



*I think you'll find that this is the correct medical term. Shut up.




15 Comments:

  • Hmmmm.

    First thing - good luck. It's not a nice place to be, and I hope you get out of it soon.

    Tried to write about Andre's party in an 'accessible to other people' way, and didn't actually mention anything about the event itself. But that was sort of sabotaged by everyone in the comments box leaving 'what a wonderful time we had' messages, which went all luvvie. Not really into that.

    Invite criteria: nothing to do with being 'famous' (ha). We've just all been connected before y'see, in real life.

    By Blogger JonnyB, at 4:16 pm  

  • I'm not questioning your diagnosis, but asking a more hypothetical question:

    If you've been depressed your whole life, perhaps you are normal and everyone else is just too damn cheerful and motivated for thier own good.

    Perhaps they should come down to normal and we can all sit in front of the TV, playing Freecell, while our appointments come and go. That way everyone will automatically expect you to arrive at work at 11am, leave at 4.30, cry in the toilets and eat too much starchy food for six months of the year.

    In the mean time though, good luck with the pills. I hear that it sometimes takes a bit of experimentation with different ones before you get a good one - so don't feel despondent if it doesn't work out immediately.

    By Blogger Damian, at 4:43 pm  

  • Hi Jonny, and thanks for visiting my lowly portal! I fully appreciate it wasn't your intention to do an exclusive you're-not-invited/important/talented/whatever thing - you didn't even mention Andre's name. I was merely using it as an example of what a loony I am sometimes. As if I was ever going to be invited! I've only even commented on Andre's site a couple of times. What a muppet.

    You've opened a bit of a can of worms, though - are you saying that you, Greavsie, Andre, Girl-with-a, Petite, Leonie et al were all mates before blogging? There's a book deal and a film in that, surely?

    By Blogger crisiswhatcrisis, at 9:43 am  

  • Hi Damian, thanks for your kind wishes. At the moment, I'm just cross that I've wasted the first half of my life underachieving. Still, move on. Pill experimentation follows. I'm looking forward to it.

    By Blogger crisiswhatcrisis, at 9:46 am  

  • Clearly you are a looney. But don't knock wasting half your life. Some of the best people do it.

    Ahem.

    Naah - just that many of us have met before in the past.

    (Actually we all live in the same house, but we don;t like people knowing it)

    By Blogger JonnyB, at 2:12 pm  

  • Hiya Crisis,

    I'm really glad you have had a proper diagnosis and please do let us know from time to time how you are feeling. Oxford storming the Conference this season might help a bit??

    And I am looking forward to your party already.

    Take care mate.

    Jane

    By Blogger J.J, at 9:32 am  

  • I had severe clinical depression for eight years, various medications as you describe that didn't work, one did eventually when they diagnosed a thyriod thing too (make sure they check your blood for thyroid things) and put me on some thyroid drug

    if they put you on Seroxat watch out it's the one that makes you suicidal (I was, tried, it didn't work and am still here to tell the warning tale)

    two years ago I realsed that altho I was still taking my medication, I no longer felt depressed and stopped taking it and haven't looked back since

    apart from once a week sessions with a counsellor, who reassures me that the anger and sadness and panic and paranoia and laziness and happinesses I feel now are all normal

    this has been the most difficult lesson to learn as an ex-depressive

    that you can not be depressed but still feel exhausted and as miserable as shit sometimes (it's called emotion, apparently), and really happy other times (but it's not a false high)

    good luck with it

    you will recover


    make sure you get some therapy and counselling too, as well as the meds; it's good to talk

    By Blogger I, like the view, at 1:22 pm  

  • Think of it as a chemicla imbalance and then you'll be OK. Once that is restored you will be fine.

    Don't change too much though, your readers like you just the way you are!

    By Blogger jas, at 12:01 pm  

  • Good for you taking these steps. I felt a pang of jealousy or whatever too when I read about the party t'other week. Didn't think I should have been asked along - barely read Andre, never email or anything with anyone else who went along - but just wanted to be there.

    By Blogger Huw, at 12:25 pm  

  • Thank you all for your good wishes. I've got a double appointment with the Doc tomorrow morning, so the road up starts from there.

    JJ: Oxford currently have the best record, and the only unbeaten one, in any of the divisions; will wonders never cease? Most relegated sides just give up (Rushden, Kidderminster, Cambridge).

    I,LTV: thanks for that. I am worried about side-effects. I've never ever been suicidal (which even I'm surprised about). I read at the weekend that Prozac can do the same thing. I'll keep a close eye on it, and ask the doc about thyroids too.

    Jas: glad you like it. I'd like me to be the way I appear, too, if that makes sense.

    Huw: silly, huh. It just sounded like a fun party. Do you think they wore blog-name name tags? Or did the you-must-be-Greavsie type guessing game? Next time, we'll be there.

    By Blogger crisiswhatcrisis, at 11:48 am  

  • Good luck mate, our thoughts and best wishes are with you. I can see I'm not the only one who'd miss you if you went.

    Thanks again for your bittersweet blog, your honesty truly floors me.

    Take care, try not to let the small stuff get to you, and remember that everything is small stuff really.

    By Blogger Levi, at 1:40 pm  

  • (keep Mrs CWC on board; she'll need support too)

    (remember all that stuff I've ever written about eating brain food, sleeping/resting, exercising, the light box; and when you have the energy to fill your life with the things that bring you joy - do it!)

    (make sure you get counselling, some blokes are a bit funny about talking about their stuff - you've made a start here tho, haven't you?)

    (OK, I'll stop prattling on now, shall I!)



    levi is so right, about the small stuff. . .

    . . .and your wonderful, wonderful blog

    By Blogger I, like the view, at 10:33 am  

  • Thanks, people.

    I've been to the doc and got the pills and will report back.

    By Blogger crisiswhatcrisis, at 4:14 pm  

  • dry mouth yet?

    By Blogger I, like the view, at 1:34 pm  

  • I had clinical depression a few years ago and took a similar sheet of A4 with me to the surgery...just gave it to the doctor and let her read it.
    It worked a treat and so did the prozac:)

    I'm really glad you've got some help and the best of luck with it.
    (Mind, I only dropped in so you'd invite me to your party)

    By Blogger mig bardsley, at 1:33 am  

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